I can tell it's Fall.  No, not because it was 31F when I woke up this morning.  I can tell Autumn is here because I feel alive.  When the clock went off this morning at 4:45am, I didn't even hit the snooze button.  I'm utterly exhausted.  I didn't sleep well last night, but my body wanted up.  I protested only a little because I realized all my warm thick white socks are dirty, but after the first sip of coffee I didn't even care.  I can tell it's Fall because I haven't taken a single mood-altering, energy-churning, pain-numbing drug and yet I want to do something.

We had a steady week of rain so the leaves are turning.  The air is crisp.  I love seeing my breath hurrying to the car to play school bus.  I love having to start the car early so that it's warm enough for little ones on the way to school.  I love getting out of the shower to a hot steamy bathroom then opening the door and turning into one giant goosebump.  Lighting scented candles in the evening. Not getting looked at funny when I start using the crockpot for every meal.  Thick baggy shirts and pants around the house means no worries of revealing summer clothing... no bra!  Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas!  And the ever popular hot chocolate, cozy blankets, good movies, and the fact that it's too cold outside for the little delinquents in the neighborhood to play over here and break another garage window!

It's a bit sad that the flowers in the pots on my porch are prettier than they've been all summer.  The horrible hot dry summer kept them looking miserable and scarce.  No matter how much watering.  Now, after last week they look like they should have looked back in June.  Too bad the frost is gonna kill'em.  Maybe next year.  It's Autumn, and I'm happy.

My mother called me last night just as dinner was ready.  She wanted me to go online for her to check the price of a product on one of the home shopping sites.  I know.  I feel sorry for my Dad, too.  I just think it's comical how computers and the internet are the devil until one of them happens to need something from it.  I admit to finding a small bit of satisfaction everytime they call me with a request.  Ok.  It's a large amount of satisfaction, and I'm sure they hear my smirk over the phone.

Brother-in-law is still in the hospital but doing better although they still can't find the source of his problem.  Mother seems to be doing better, as well.  She's shopping!  That's a sign.  Although it's the season to worry.  If you don't believe in a seasonal depression/disorder, let me introduce you to my mother.  Chemical or not... it's real.  She has it.  So, at any moment one of my sisters will call me to inform me our mother has once again slid into a deep dark depression.  It will last anywhere from a week to a month.  If I could just get her to get some therapy... see someone.  But, that's never going to happen.  Therapists are the devil, too.  And she isn't likely to give on this one because I'm doubting a therapist will take her shopping.

The burned-out professional in my life seems to be doing better, too.  He's getting to work on his Halloween decorations and even has the holiday off, so he's happy.  I'm better just because it's cold outside, and I have no intentions to see the inside of an ER again anytime soon.  Closest I'll hopefully come is a major doctor's visit next week.  But hey... it's cold outside... I'm happy.

A couple of the very few negatives of the coming winter... dry skin and frizzy hair.  But heck, I'll dip myself in baby oil and crochet a scrunchie for every sweater before I'll let that bring me down.

It's cold outside... I'm happy.

"In the bone colored dawn, me and Gypsy Scotty are singin...
The radio is playin, She left her shoes out in the back...
He tells me a story about some girl he knows in Kentucky...
He just made that story up, there aint no girl like that..."

~"I Saw You First"~ John Cougar

There are things I cannot change no matter how badly I want to change them.  There are circumstances in life that I just can't take back.

I wish I hadn't let the first guy who ever cheated on me see me cry.

The thing is, do I let those things become an ever consuming cloud of regret and hang over me forever?  I try so hard to learn from everything that happens to me so that it isn't regret, but something that teaches me what I need to know in life.

I wish I'd spent more time with the grandmother who died when I was fifteen.

Why are we so greedy and selfish that we can't be happy with what life has given us and make the most of it?  Should we really spend our time wishing our lives away?  I want to cherish every second I have with everything and every person that I love and hold dear.

I wish I'd followed my plans after high school instead of settling to make my parents happy.

I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to better our lives... to become better people and realize our dreams.  I'm a dreamer... always have been.  Sometimes our dreams take us in directions we don't even realize, and maybe if we just enjoy the ride we'll wake up happy.  Sometimes I think we're afraid to be happy.

I wish I hadn't hired that stupid man to do all the landscaping last year.

I want to be happy in life, and I want the people I love to be happy in life.  I want to cherish every moment we have together... even if it is just a moment.  I feel like I have had some of the most amazing people to walk through my life.  Sometimes all you have to do is pass someone on the street and smile.  That smile will brighten their day, and they'll carry it with them and pay it forward.

I don't want to regret anything.  I want to learn and grow and become someone I'm proud of.  Just like I've learned that it's ok to cry.  The amount of time you spend with someone isn't nearly as important as the quality of that time.  Make yourself happy and the people who truly love you will be happy for you.

And oh yeah.... check references before hiring toothless men swearing to be lawn professionals...

My weekend was supposed to be romantic and fun.  And it was until early Sunday morning.  My cell rang at 5:30am.  My brother-in-law had suffered a major heart attack and wasn't doing well.  We rushed back, and after a couple of really nervous days he's stable.  But not before my exhaustion and pain landed me in a hospital with a nurse asking me to drop my pants for some feel good meds.  I have to tell you, this whole miserably ill thing is getting on my last nerve.

T is such a patient man.  Why he puts up with it, I have no clue.  He could have fallen in love with someone healthy and carefree, but he chose me.  And I can be such a pain in the ass.  I bet you didn't know that, right.  When I'm exhausted I'm bossy and snappy, and he ususally just laughs under his breath.  He could let it upset him.  Sometimes I get tired of popping pills and I decide I'm just going to suffer through it.  He could get frustrated with me, but instead he gets all bossy and authoritive while he's opening the bottles.  He's cute when he's like that, too.

It's almost 9:00pm, and he came in from work and went straight to fixing all the Halloween decorations that the wind has blown over today.  We've been getting rain for a few days now!!  We've had a few storms.  Other than the constant work keeping the decorations up, we're thrilled about that. 

I think I'll enjoy this whole unemployed thing once I start to feel better.  I'm ok with being spoiled, and he's really good at it.  Besides, I think it's my turn!

Right now I have to go outside and drag his butt in out of the weather.  It's cold and raining... and the tombstones will just have to wait until tomorrow.  Someone needs to tell him he can't just come home, drug me, and then leave me for chores!  Hello!?

When you can sit down with the high school football star you're raising and have a political or religious discussion... when said jock has founded ideas and convictions, can make valid points and counter points, you know you have to be doing something right.  If he can take the conversation from a hot girl to the weak defense of a college football team to why one of the Presidential hopefuls might very well be the anti-christ all in about fifteen minutes, you can say he's a pretty well-rounded young man. 

In a recent comment IML pointed out to me, in a way only she can, that I have to realize what I'm willing to take and put up with, and I have to make decisions about my future based on that.  What does that mean for me?  At this point in my life it meant a very opinionated yet professional letter of resignation and unemployment.  I feel good about it, but at the same time it leaves me open for all sorts of panicking.  But it was the right thing to do, and I had tons of support from the missing screw.  He was my very own cheering section through the whole process. 

I was up most of the night last night mostly from achy uncomfortable tossing but also because my mind was racing out of control.  I just couldn't turn it off no matter how hard I tried.  Today is the day I take back my sanity, though.  I feel better about things, and I've decided I can no longer just tread the water.  It's jump in and swim or just get out and dry off.  Honestly that's a horrible analogy for me because I can't swim, but you get my point. 

The holidays are coming up fast, and I want them to be happy this year.  I want to feel settled.  I want to know what tomorrow brings.  The word of the day is "stability".  That used to feel like a bad word to me.  It meant growing old, giving up, letting go.  Now it means peace and security.  It sounds like perfection.

I'm going out of town today, and when I get back I'm praying it's with a new attitude.  A new outlook that isn't so dismal and sad.  No more feeling like life is passing me by or that I have no control over my own happiness and destiny.  I'm confident that life is good and worth living.  It's time I start showing it.

While drinking my morning coffee I took a test to see which side of my brain I use the most.  The results:

"You are more right-brained than left-brained. The right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. In addition to being known as right-brained, you are also known as a creative thinker who uses feeling and intuition to gather information. You retain this information through the use of images and patterns. You are able to visualize the "whole" picture first, and then work backwards to put the pieces together to create the "whole" picture. Your thought process can appear quite illogical and meandering. The problem-solving techniques that you use involve free association, which is often very innovative and creative. The routes taken to arrive at your conclusions are completely opposite to what a left-brained person would be accustomed. You probably find it easy to express yourself using art, dance, or music. Some occupations usually held by a right-brained person are forest ranger, athlete, beautician, actor/actress, craftsman, and artist."

This explains sooooo much...

After getting everyone off to school and work yesterday I came home and went back to bed.  And each time I woke up during the morning, if I was still tired, I just rolled over and went back to sleep.  It really only ended up being a couple extra hours worth of sleep, but I'm thinking that is what kept me awake all night last night.  I didn't sleep at all, and I don't think it was from the aches and pains because they weren't terribly bad.  It's going to make for a really grumpy day, but I'm going to try to stay busy.  Not like there isn't plenty to do.

I was thinking, last night during the tossing and turning and the unbelievably loud snoring going on from the "object" lying next to me, maybe it's the "vibe" of my room.  I can't remember who it was, but someone was telling me a long time ago that their bedroom had been seriously critqued for its terrible balance.  And how all the little electronic lights in the room were horribly against the feng shui of it all, etc.  My room... I don't think there's anything that isn't wrong if you rate it in feng shui.  I counted six lights from electronic sources last night, and  you're not supposed to have anything electronic in your room at all!  Even an alarm clock is considered to be something you should avoid if you can.  Mirrors... not supposed to be in your room.  I have two huge ones.  Ceiling fans or any other fixture isn't supposed to be directly over your bed.  Mine is right there.  Your bed isn't supposed to be next to a window or door.  It's a small room.  The bed is next to the window AND the door.  The house was built in 1923.  Bedrooms were meant to be slept in and nothing else.  I'm thinking the owner just wasn't clued in on feng shui.  Shame on him.  It's all his fault I never sleep.

Sometime during the back and forth commute to work, my laptop has been banged around to the point were I popped off my "c" key.  Tell me that doesn't mean it's time for a new one!  Yep!  And remember the post a while ago about colored laptops?!  Obviously I wasn't the ONLY one thinking about adding a little color and style to the laptop world.  Hello, DELL!  Except for the fact that I want my mac back.  I miss my mac.  It was such a sweet little laptop.

On my local news this morning... some guy from South Carolina... driving through Kentucky in a truck filled with cattle... the driver was drunk, wrecked the truck... cows everywhere!  Twelve of them died... so sad.  The rest are having slumber parties with local ranchers until their owners can come get them.  All I can say is THANK HEAVENS that dude is from South Carolina! 

Oh my gosh... how about those Wildcats?!  Who knew we could play football, huh!?  I just want to be in the top five... just once... don't care if it's just for a day.  Go UK!

I have so much to do today, and it's past the time to get started.  I'm already tired just thinking about it.  But it's not my fault.  It's the guy who built this house.  Moron should have checked the feng shui of it all first... I may have to remodel.

Apparently I'm going to need to subscribe to new blogs.  Most of the blogs I subscribe to seem to be gone, temporarily at least.  I miss them, too.  I can whine, but I can't really complain because I'm not always the first one to sit down and hammer one out, either.

I woke up every ten minutes last night, so I don't feel like I slept well even though I was in bed really early.  I have no idea what time the weirdo came to bed.  He was outside trying to get more decorating done when I just couldn't sit up any longer.  I love helping him do things like that when I can.  He has to do things around here when he can because he's never here... even if it means decorating the yard at night.  I'm going to try to get pictures once I know he's finished.  But I'm not sure he ever finishes... I think it's a constant work in progress.  Little Miss B is gonna flip out when she sees the new stuff.  And, of course, wouldn't you know it... we have a chance of severe storms later this week... winds, etc.  Just in time to blow down all those scary decorations.  C'est la vie.

It would be great if this week would pass quietly and uneventful.  I'm due some down time.  If it would just cool off, rain, and give me a few days of nothing to do, I could recharge, feel better, and get into the swing of Autumn.  I really need it.  Everyone around me needs it.  I've been a bitch lately.  I know it.  I don't mean to be, and they wouldn't believe it, but I'm really trying not to be so bad.  When I'm miserable I usually take it internally which almost kills me, but every once in a while I can't hold it in and that's when I get to spend days apologizing to everyone for being so evil.  I probably just need better drugs.

I started writing this at five am.  The morning has gotten away from me.  Now it's time to get on with my day.  Hopefully I won't kill anyone.

The coffee isn't quite as good as normal this morning.  I'm thinking it's because I started dreading today before I ever went to bed last night.  That might have something to do with the 145,000 reasons why I hate my job that are waiting for me to work on them today.  And I hardly looked up from it all yesterday!  C'est la vie, right?  Most people don't like their jobs.  I'm being a suckbaby, I know, and I'm sorry.  I'm just so tired.  And when the fatigue sets in, it doesn't want to go away.  It just keeps getting worse until I crash.

So many of the blogs I enjoy reading have just gone away!  Why?!   I would have blogged more, read more, paid more attention had I known everyone was going to leave!  I miss those blogs.  Bring them back now.  And if you've been too stressed and tired to blog like me, it'll come back.  I promise.

I can't keep the cat from pooping in my houseplants.  I'm out of ideas.  Help.  Please.  Or the cat has to go away.  And if the cat goes, the duck will be upset.

And while you're giving me ideas on that, tell me how to get a five year old out the door with your sanity intact every morning.  I've lost the ability to do that, too.  Boarding school?  It's an option, you know.

Oh, and one more favor... if you know the duck, go to his blog and yell at him until I've blogged that he's seen a doctor and is better.  I don't care... take out all your stress and agressions on him.  Use four letter words!  I've tried to be nice about it.  Now I'm just tired of losing sleep over it.  So you know one plus about getting him to go in, I'll sleep and stop whining on here every morning.  How's that for incentive!

And David, you probably won't read this for months.  I'm thinking you're way too busy in that new house... but do you remember the time J called me out of the blue absolutely frantic because he'd gotten Mister stuck between the wall and stove... or sink?... and couldn't get him to come out?  And he was positive you'd kill him when you got home if he didn't figure it out?  I thought about that because this cat got stuck in the cabinet this morning.  And when I remembered it, it sort of made me worry about his kids.  How are they holding up, anyway?;)  (Only that dumbass would call someone that's seven hours away, anyway)

Yeah... I'm needing serious inspiration.

I have a routine.  I'm the first one up every morning.  I switch laundry, start coffee (if I forget to set it the night before), figure out what everybody's wearing for the day... sit down in front of my laptop, and read news articles while watching my local news station... hopelessly trying to enjoy that one cup of coffee before the house becomes a chaotic nightmare. 

In all honesty most of the time our mornings are enjoyable.  Most of us are up and running around feeling like a big family should feel.  Even my little Belle... she is NOT a morning person, and she usually ends up being our comic relief.  It feels good to have all these people under one roof, growing up and going through life sharing so much with one another.

Yesterday moring was horrible.  Nothing went right.  I woke up in more pain than normal.  My poor little duck man was in a lot of pain after an evening in the ER.  Not a single kid could find a school book, a brush, a pencil, or a complete pair of shoes.  And the day got even worse.

My new boss is the most conceited, arogant, self-righteous bitch ever born.  The audacity of this woman... I couldn't describe her if I tried.  My sister has worked for her for years.  I knew she was a selfish person.  But when she contacted my sister about offering me this job, my sister was sure I was just the woman to be able to work for her.  She was sure that my stubborn professionally anal ways would be able to put this woman in her place.... that I would actually enjoy the job and thrive in the challenge.

Not in this lifetime...

When I got to work yesterday there was a complete novel of post-it notes left for me on everything you can imagine... things that she'd found I'd done wrong.  Everything from the seating positioning in the lobby to the billing software in the computers.  At first all I could think was, "Oh my gosh.... I suck at this job!"  But then, as I was reading note after note, I realized that... and I kid you not... ninety-nine percent of the complaints were about things SHE had done, and decisions SHE had made!  To top that off, most of the complaints were about things I had already brought to her attention!

Ok, I admit that part of the reason I was so offended is because I am such a perfectionist at work, and being hit with all that first thing on a Monday morning completely knocked me off my feet.  I left work on Friday thinking everything was fine.  I took it personal.  But part of the reason I wasn't able to look at it logically and professionally was because I was so freaking tired and not a single cell in my body was pain free.

And it just kept getting worse.  Every patient, every business, every lab, every single person we dealt with yesterday must have been having the same day I was because they were ALL evil people.  It was so bad I had to leave the room more than once so no one would see the tears in my eyes.  They were from sheer exhaustion and worry, but the stress of the day was the reason they were coming out, but I sure wasn't going to let anyone think I was crying over my job!  Hello?!

By the time I got home... I haven't felt that defeated and useless and totally inadequate since living in Texas with a man who thought it was his single purpose in life to run me down.  In one single day I'd let down everyone in my house by not being able to get them out the door happy, healthy, and ready for their day, I hadn't been able to live up to my boss' expectations, and... you know, the list could go on, but I think you get it.

Admitting that I'm weak enough to let things like this get to me isn't easy.  I'm supposed to be a grown woman not a floundering little girl still crying herself to sleep at night because she's feeling sorry for herself.  But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't keep it inside.

Today... I don't feel much better physically or emotionally... the world's tallest duck doesn't seem to be feeling any better, either... and I still can't find that damned library book.  But it's a new day, and I really want a better day.  It has to be a better day because I simply cannot survive another yesterday.  Not back to back, anyway.

My local news is a quaint little program.  They're so cute and country.  I enjoy it so much every morning.  Today, however... they think they're being funny.  They go to and come back from commercials playing songs like... "Have You Ever Seen the Rain".... ha ha ha.  It's OCTOBER!  Where is my sweatshirt weather!  If the temperature would drop below ninety... if the rain would POUR down... if I could cuddle underneath a blanket in front of the tv at the end of the day... MAYBE I would feel better.  We're supposed to be putting up Halloween decorations, raking leaves, and drinking hot chocolate.  Instead, we're still summer clothes, staying in our air conditioned house, and on a water conservation program. 

Something isn't right with the world.  I think it might have something to do with my evil earth-walking demon of a boss.  Maybe if I take her out, I'll get the whole breezy, rainbow, birds singing, the world is free again scene.  Yeah... that's it....

Ok, back to reality... but all I know is she'd better stay out of my way today.  We both know that if I walked out the door, she'd be screwed because she doesn't even know how to answer the phone on the new system and the rest of the staff doesn't know anything more than that.  Not a single person can access the clinic's files... but me.  And she won't let me train them.  As intelligent as she thinks she is, she should know not to ever give anyone like me that much power, huh.