So today didn't really go any better than yesterday, but I'm determined to start my weekend on a positive note.  I want to shake this funky anger brewing inside me. 

How?  Well... I've ordered pizza.  I bought Reese's Pieces and M&Ms and new socks.  I love new socks. 

I'm getting ready to sink myself into the warm purple oblivion of a lavender bubble bath.  I'm going to turn off the lights and stay there until the water goes cold.

And then I'm going to put on warm pjs that I just got out of summer storage along with my new socks. 

I'm going to settle in to watch Friday night SciFi ("Dr. Who" season premiere).  I'm going to hang out online doing really  nerdy things like  window shop for yarn.  I'm going to crochet my Christmas afghan. 

This probably sounds like such a boring evening to a lot of people, but for me... if I don't have to do anything at all tonight, I'll be ever so happy. 

It's cold outside.  I love when it's cold outside. 

Oh... I almost forgot the drugs... I love painfree evenings. 

Happy Birthday, David!!! 

Normally this yearly post is long and detailed... a complete hero worship of sorts.  But after ten amazing years, there really isn't any point.  If he doesn't know by now that I think the sun rises and sets in his ass, he's the dumbest person on earth. 

I think I'll start celebrating the fact that he's older than me... even if it is only by three months!  All that matters is he hit thirty-five before I hit it.;) 

There really isin't a whole lot we haven't gotten each other through during the past decade of friendship.  I know he can blame a few gray hairs on having to witness my free fall into self-destruction so many times over the years.  (I imagine he's thanking god for Terry these days.  I think this is the longest I've ever been sane!) 

There really isn't anything that can be said to show how much I love my friend and what he means to me.  I wish him the happiest birthday ever. 

Even if you don't take the time to read his blog, (Daveblog in my links) you should go over to see his photos on his flickr account.  He's amazing with a camera. 

Happy Birthday, David.  I love you, darling.  :) 

We're not getting older.  We're getting better.

*Warning:  Whining, Bitching, Cursing will follow*

Oh my god I'm in a bad mood.  I would probably feel better if I could figure out whether I want to scream, cry, throw things... something.  If I knew how to let out this anxiety, frustration, anger... Then I wouldn't feel so bad.  It has been such a shitty day.  I still don't understand why the fates have to fuck with me all the time.  Don't tell me if it doesn't kill me it will make me stronger.  That's what my Dad says.  Move on, already.... I'm the freaking bionic woman by now. 

I could write about the million things that went wrong today, but there's no point.  I know I'm one of the lucky people on earth, and my little things pale in comparison to problems other people have every day.  Knowing that doesn't make me feel better.  If anything it just adds to it because when I think about problems other people around me have, I just add worrying about them on top of everything going on with me. 

And oh my god I'm so tired, and I still have things left to do tonight.  I still have to get back out before I can go to bed.  Out in the rain. 

I should be in a better mood.  It's chilly outside.  Overcast and rainy.  I noticed the leaves are changing colors now.  When I got home (twenty minutes ago) I stopped to watch a tiny orange, brown, and green tornado of leaves dancing across my driveway.  Would have made me smile if I wasn't in such a bitchy mood. 

I feel defeated.  I feel drained.  I don't think I've stopped for five minutes today.  Now that I've slowed down long enough to try to eat dinner, I'm too sick to eat it.  I'd be too tired, anyway.  Oh I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight, huh.  Maybe I feel like it's my turn.  It's my fifteen minutes to wallow.  That's all the time I'll give myself, and then I'll be fine again.  If I'm not, I'll just lie about it.  I'm an expert in denial... especially to myself. 

This night will go one of two ways.  I'll stay up all night and simmer in my anger, or I'll calm down soon and have a really good cry and try to sleep at some point. 

Or maybe if I say "fuck it" enough... with enough determination I'll actually believe it and just have a really good night and weekend... maybe if I buy some chocolate or alcohol while I'm out, anyway.

OK... so I was feeling horrible when I first got up this morning, and I started this really deep post.  Then the drugs kicked in, and now I can't finish those mushy thoughts.  I should probably quit now, but I want to post. 

All those things I wanted to get done yesterday?  Yeah... so I did fix the crippled decorations.  I worked on the much neglected fish tank a bit.  I broke my vaccuum cleaner, and after that, I just didn't do much else. 

I watched tv last night, and actually finished a complete show that wasn't on SciFi.  I love that new show, "Studio 60".  Yeah, I know... I'm a little shocked myself.  Who knew I'd ever make it through an entire show not about killer mutant creatures. 

I logged onto my computer to look up some health related stuff and ended up going to bed before I ever even searched out a single site.  I think I'm losing my mind.  My health has spiraled a bit over the past week or so, but I'm ok.  Normally my mind doesn't just shut down the way it has now.  I can't seem to concentrate on anything. 

I'm so glad I have this blog.  I like having a place to show the world my insanity without actually having people come cart me away to a place I can wear a little white jacket but have to give up my shoelaces.  I think the reason I feel so secure here is the fact that most of you suffer from the same crazies. (no offense... it's actually a compliment) 

I think it's amazing to have a place where you could actually be anyone or anything you wanted to be and no one would ever know, but you feel so comfortable that you find yourself being just exactly who you are.  How cool is that.  And what's really cool is that having this blog has made me face things that I normally wouldn't face... just by writing them down here. 

There are a few people who know me personally that read this blog.  And I could probably get them to go along with some story about being some fantasy babe, but nah.... I'll just go ahead and be the little red headed, projectile vomitting, freckled faced, slip of what used to be a real woman that you all seem to have come to love... and hate. 

Ok... Terry would back a fantasy... Amy would... Stacey would... Bryan would... David would probably rat me out. 

That isn't to say there are people who read my blog that do not know me just as well because you've come to know my heart and my mind.  You're just fortunate enough not to know what I look like in the morning, have never helped me up off the bathroom floor, never had to pull my drunk ass out of a club before I pick up someone you know I'll regret in the morning, or had to sit through an entire day of watching killer mutant creatures. 

I love you all... just the same.  :)

~awww... look at that.... I got mushy, after all~

I have some time today that I can use to get things done and not be hurried or distracted.  Chances are I won't do most of what I need to do because I'm tired.  And I can't shake the feeling of just wanting to go back to bed and relax. 

It's not raining anymore.  Thank goodness.  I was beginning to think we were surely going to float away.  Terry suggested we start collecting the animals two by two... just in case.  He sounded serious.  He's weird like that. 

Have you ever noticed something that needs to be done yet you walk by it for days... acknowledging it, but never actually stopping to do it?  I've done that a lot lately.  The Halloween trees in the yard.  One of the storms blew them over.  I've walked in and out of the house for two days, noticing they're on the ground, thinking I should stop and stand them back up, but I walk right on by them.  There are two boxes of leftover decorations that won't be used still on the porch.  It would take me maybe three minutes to put them back in the garage.  They've sat there for a week.  Not sure they're going anywhere anytime soon.  I walked by my planets for days seeing how badly they needed water.  I didn't water them until I was afraid it might be too late.  It wasn't.  But if you know me at all, you know how much I love my plants. 

Or... have you ever noticed something that should be done... like maybe walking by a dirty glass or a candywrapper on the floor, and  you walked by it on purpose to see how many times the million people in your house will walk by the object and not pick it up?  I've done that, too.  I used to wonder how many times someone would literally step over something to get to a destination instead of just bending over to pick it up.  I stopped counting... leaving it on the floor drove me crazy.  I always end up breaking down and doing it myself.  Which I know... is part of the problem.  Terry thinks it's cute... how anal I am about this sort of thing.  He knows I get it from my mother. 

He also thinks it's fun to antagonize me when I'm angry.  He says it's cute how frustrated I get, and the more he pushes my buttons is the more flustered I become.  You'd think he would realize how unhealthy that is by now.  You wouldn't imagine him to be a slow learner.  On this subject, I may have to draw blood first.  For instance, last night I wanted to use the digital camera to take pics of two purses I crocheted to put on my crochet blog.  I couldn't find batteries anywhere in the house.  I thought I'd steal some from the various extra remotes lying around just long enough to snap the photo.  No matter where I pulled the batteries from or how new I thought they were, no combination of them would make the camera stay on long enough to take the stupid picture.  The camera would power up, then die. 

So Terry was sitting there, pretending to be so serious, throwing things at me about the batteries not being lithium (he's a lithium junkie), I'm not putting them in right, I'm not using the camera right... blah blah blah.  You think those were all intelligent remarks... narrowing down what might be the problem.  But you'd have to know him to understand why it wasn't helpful... at all! 

I love him, but I swear to the gods I wanted to punch him.  I should have.  But he'd have just laughed and said, "You're so sexy when you get that mad.  I can't help it."  He would have said that, anyway... but maybe if I'd punhed him, it would have hurt when he said it. 

I really will get things done today.  Not sure when I'll start, but I will get things done. 

Oh... and Terry.... get me some of your precious lithium batteries for the camera, ya freak.

Fall is finally in the air and while it makes me feel so much better I've been feeling a surge in anxiety for a few days now that's absolutely driving me crazy.  Most of the time I feel foggy and confused.  Yeah yeah... maybe it's the drugs, but it's more than that.  I feel rushed and almost tormented at times.  I've been losing my cool easily, and I feel like I'm falling short on everything I try to do.  It's hard to feel like you are constantly disappointing everyone.  That's how I've been feeling.  I can't shake the desire to want to fix everything for everybody.  Obviously I know I can't do that, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to try... and failing.  I've been busy with crocheting, yard decorations, dental appointments, and a thousand other things.  Have I mentioned it's finally sweatshirt weather here?!  My favorite time of year.  A guarantee that I'll pull out of this funk soon and enjoy my favorite season.  It's time to come alive.

Ok... just curious about something.  How long does it take you guys to make a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich?  I'm just askin' cause... well, I want to know.  Would you be able to make it in the time it would take me to make a tuna sandwich and have it completely eaten?  Just wondering cause it takes SOME people FOREVER to make a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.

This has been the longest week!  With good reason, too, I know.  And I don't remember ever looking forward to the weekend quite like I'm looking forward to this one. 

My older sister is settled into the second floor of my house, and she seems to be doing ok.  Better than I imagined her doing.  She's only left this guy four times over twenty years.  I've paid for her divorce once.. which she stopped.  But there's something about this time.  She seems determined.  The other times were out of anger.  She doesn't seem angry this time.  She's hurt, but not so angry. 

My younger sister.... well I think she's close to making major changes in her life, too.  I hope she does.  She deserves happiness.  I won't push her, but silently I'm more than cheering her on! 

My nephew is safe back where he belongs.  There's another court date.  Who knows. 

It's finally sunny outside.  I'm not a sun person at all, but everybody needs a few rays every once in a while. 

Tink is still gone.  She's not coming back.  We can't find her.  I miss her. 

I went to sleep with a terrible headache last night and woke up with it even worse this morning.  I'm so drugged I hardly know my own name, and while there is still a dull ache, it's a hundred times better. 

I still don't think I'll do anything today though.  I think I'll sit on my ass all day and do nothing.  Partly because I don't want to do anything.  Partly because I think I'm scared to death if I move very much at all my head will start hurting again.

Yesterday was better.  But to say it was busy would be putting it mildly. 

In all my venting about my weekend, I left out one of the most important tragedies.  My little Tink somehow got out in the middle of all the chaos and is missing.  I'm sure someone has her.  She was too sweet.... too little... too beautiful.  Everything was so hectic and stressful.  I didn't even realize she was gone from the backyard at first.  She was there during the morning and then gone.  I complained about her a lot.  But the complaints meant nothing.  I love her very much.  If I don't find her, I hope that at least someone has her that will not hurt her. 

We did finally get my sister situated more yesterday.  It was one of those grab everything you can cause you can't come back kind of moves, so it was more than stressful. 

I'm still waiting for the drama of the weekend to hit me and knock me into my own breakdown.  But so far it's ony brought about exhaustion.  I can't seem to get enough sleep.  I know it's as much emotional as physical exhaustion.  Nothing like having a brand new nephew go missing with his psycho druggie mother while you're trying to rescue your sister from a gun waving lunatic.... trying to explain who died and what happened to your aging grandmother who insists the family gathering can't be cancelled no matter what. 

It rained all day yesterday... again.  I'm beginning to think we're just going to float away. 

My younger sister looks like she's going to have a meltdown any minute.  She looks broken.  She shouldn't be broken.  She's so young and beautiful and full of life... most of the time.  I think I'll send her "just because" flowers.  She looks... I don't know... almost unloved.  She needs to know that's not true... from someone, anyway. 

So much going on.  So many ways for a heart to break.  It could all be worse.  I'm so blessed.  I'm so thankful for everyone and everything I have in my life.  I'm thankful I have the strength for it all. 

And all the while I had no idea my little rat of a dog had slipped out. 

Hell... if I could have slipped underneath the fence and fled I probably would have, too.

How did I spend my Labor Day weekend?  Not hosting the family bbq as originally planned. 

This weekend my family faced two deaths.  One was a family member, and the other was a family member of a family member type thing.  Both were sudden, tragic, and really strange.  Neither were auto-holiday-crash deaths as one would think over this weekend.  Strange... tragic... sad. 

The reunion went on anyway.  It was nice. 

But then on Sunday evening, my nephew's mother (the one who kept him from us for ten years and recently lost custody of him) did not bring him back to us as ordered.  We've been frantic... worried.  Warrants and contempt charges will be filed this morning.  Hopefully he'll be back warm and safe by nightfall.  (Yay... another court date)

Sunday night I spent a good deal of it keeping my older sister from having a complete meltdown.  Her marriage is over.  I'm secretly thanking the gods she made it out alive.  You have no idea the evil she's leaving.  Well some of you might, but it's ugly.  She's devastated. 

So my Labor Day was spent renting a UHAUL (thank the gods again for someone actually being open on Labor Day) and T and I moving my sister and nephew into my house.  Sanity is touch and go around here.  I didn't sleep last night.  It was more of a coma-type slumber.  I'm still exhausted.  I'm going back to bed.  It's going to be a better day.  It almost has to be... right?

I slept last night, but this morning I feel like I haven't slept in days.  I had bad dreams, and I slept with the dread of everything facing me this weekend.  It should be cool stuff... family reunions, BBQs... but I'm dreading it.  I'm supposed to be going to dinner tonight with my female cousins.  We do this whenever we're all in town for one holiday or another.  It keeps us close.  I always dread going, but I always have fun.  And I missed the big weekend in Gatlinburg this year because I was sick. 

What I really want to do today is curl up on the couch and watch all the bug movies on SciFi!  Yes... it's a bug movies all day long, and it's dark and rainy outside.... perfect.  Except I have sooo much to do. 

I cut off my hair last week.  It's up to my shoulders now.  But it looks healthier.  And if any of you ladies know a good eye makeup remover.... TELL ME!  The one I'm using obviously doesn't work considering I used it last night, and I look like I have black eyes this morning.  HELLO!?! 

"Don't remind me I'm not crazy.  Don't rewind me then replay me.  I'm just fine... never mind me."