Roses are Red

Violets are Blue 

I suck at pool

And so do you!! :) 

(This is what I come up with after trying to post for half an hour... I think I might be losing my touch!)

Oh my god I'm coming out of my skin!  Everything hurts... aches.  I try to cry, and I can't.  I try to laugh, and nothing comes out.  I can't sit.  I can't stand.  I can't think.  I can't turn off my mind.  I keep telling myself to shake it off... it will go away.  It's not going away.  For the first time in my life I feel like I need to vomit, and I can't!  I'm frustrated and snappy.  My feelings are hurt.  I'm bitchy.  I'm soooo tired.  It's hard to move at all.  I have so much I need to do.  Things that require me.  I just want it to go away.  I just want to curl into a tiny ball and make it all go away.  I simply cannot function like this.  It has to go away.

I cried last night.  I was heartbroken and angry.. sad... overwhelmed.  And I cried.  But I held it in for a while.  I was trying my best to build up the strength to run from it... the way I always do.  I've realized that just makes it worse, but I still catch myself doing it all the time. 

Things don't always go the way you plan in life.  And sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to... or expect.  I don't think my life has ever gone the way I expected.  But you have to stay true to who you are... no matter what happens. 

The world will doubt and deny you your every dream if it can.  Sometimes it gets away with it.  What I realized last night... sometimes dreams are works in progress.  Sometimes you don't even realize they're being made to happen.  If you're so busy focusing on the pain or holding on to the past, you can't move forward and be happy in the future. 

If someone had asked me a few weeks ago... if I ever imagined I'd be sitting right where I am right now... thinking and feeling all the emotions I'm feeling... having my life going in the direction it's going.... I would have laughed at them.  No way....  But I've been wrong before. 

A work in progress.... I'm sorry I made it such a long process.  I smile through tears now... when I think about the months spent in the beginnings of a friendship.  I was so flippant!  Almost sterile... "Sure... you can love me.  Just don't be expecting it back."  And the nerve of him!  He laughed me off and became my friend.  He always laughs at me. 

And so it went... for months... we weren't even what you'd call "best friends".  And the funny thing is, not even being best friends, he was still always there.... never asking for more than I could give... happy to just be there.  Now I'm the happy one that he's always there.  It was a slow progress... people thought we were more than we were for the longest time.  It's almost funny... if it didn't add such negativity to who we are... who I am as a person. 

But I don't care now.  None of that matters.  What matters now is that my life is a dream in progress.... good and bad, happy and sad... it's an ongoing experiment into the future.  I'm not looking back anymore.  I'm not feeling guity or regretting anything.  (except maybe that whole 'hard to get' thing) 

I'm running happily into my future... ok, I will as soon as I can get up.  Who knew days of yard work would make you this sore?!?! 

(STOP laughing at me!)

I'm inclined to tell you about my day, but it's going to make you cry, too. 

It started out easy enough.  But I knew... I knew it wasn't going to go well.  I had a feeling it would end badly.  And now here I sit on the bed with my feet  hurting, my head pounding... totally exhausted, and feeling completely overwhelmed. 

I love this house.  I don't mind all the hard work it's going to take to be a home owner.  It's just that it would be nice if just one thing would go right.

After this weekend, I hate one of my neighbors, I somehow managed to break a brand new lawnmower, my stupid little rat-assed dog is an escape artist.  Just let me tell you that I managed to get my front yard mowed and a very small start on the trimming (after buying a new mower, but having to go for it twice because upon getting to the checkout I realized I'd forgotten my wallet the first time around) before I continued to break everything within my grasp including the rake.  I called it a night when I somehow managed to cut  through a utility extension cord. 

Oh, and I cut my leg while shaving in the shower just now... right before I stepped out, got dressed, and then walked into a wet spot in the kitchen floor with my socks on.  Belle's learning to pour things on her own. 

Excuse me while I go find chocolate and tissue.

"She don't run from the sun no more. 

She boxed her shadow and she won. 

Said, 'I can see you laugh through these bottle caps.  And this wire around my neck ain't there for fun.' 

Yeah they talk about her. 

She smiles like she's so tough. 

She says, 'Hey can you talk a little louder, I don't think my heart is broken enough.' 

Some days I wade through the indigo

singing that song on the radio. 

I blame these puddles on the rain. 

You know I gotta keep these cheeks dry today...

gotta keep my cheating strategy. 

And baby,  I'm gonna have it made. 

But someday we'll all be old and I'll be so damn beautiful. 

Meanwhile I hide my head here in this paper bag. 

Cause if I can't see you

then you can't see me. 

And it'll be okay. 

Fly, little bee, away

to where's there no more rain

and I can be me."

I am completely and utterly exhausted.  My back feels like someone is trying to break me in half, but I had to sit down and write to you. 

The reason... after months of crying and praying and swearing and praying more... the final hearing was today.  I even had to testify.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done because so much was at risk.  Fortunately, the truth wasn't something that could be denied. 

My brother obtained permanent custody of my nephew.  A year ago we had no idea my brother had a son... now he's going to be living with him forever.  We cried and laughed and called people yelling into the phone that we won... we got our baby!  Because, you see, it wasn't just my brother that won.  We're not a family with children... we're more like children with a family because our children are the reasons we wake up in the morning.  As it is with most parents, right? 

Unfortunately it wasn't that way for little D with his mother... which is how my brother won.  D wasn't with us.  We wouldn't have been so openly happy if he had been.  My brother is very careful when it comes to discussing the situation with him.  D is just nine.  We tell him that his mom loves him very much, and that she's just having trouble right now and he's going to get to live with his dad so that they can have time with each other.  D is beyond happy... he's been with us almost nonstop anyway! 

But right here, right now... where D can't see... let me tell you how freaking happy I am that he's out of that woman's care... no more swinging bedroom doors for him to witness, no more homeless shelters... no more going to sleep hungry!!  He's safe and warm and happy.  Seeing him grin ear to ear when you tell him something funny... it makes me cry from happiness and the knowledge of how lucky I am and have always been. 

Welcome home, little D... welcome home.

It's after 3am, and I can't sleep.  What's wrong with me??  I know I'm PMSing, but this is unreal! 

Everything is driving me crazy... the slightest noise, smell, touch... I feel like every nerve in my body is raw and on fire.  The sheet on my bed hurts. 

I can't get comfortable... my mind is racing a million miles a minute. 

I can't sleep for dreading the fact that now I'm facing tomorrow on no sleep. 

I've decided I can no longer breathe unless he's here....

...this could be a problem.

I'm not getting the time I need to post these days.  I'm only halfway complaining, though.  What I've replaced my blogging time with is wonderful.  But as I mentioned in my last post, I do miss it here in my pretty blue world. 

And to be honest, I'm almost afraid to post sometimes. You have to understand growing up in my world.  I had a very defeated mother.  She was never the kind to encourage much.  She was always sad... or angry.  I grew up hiding any sort of happiness I felt because being happy while my mother was miserable guilted me beyond belief.  Then as the years progressed, I always felt that way anytime my life seemed to be going better than that of my siblings.  If I called up my Mom to tell her exciting news, it was always followed by, "That's great.  Did your sister tell you she had her car repossessed?".  Things like this stay with you for a while if you're as weak-minded as I am.  Or I could always bypass good ole Mom and go for Dad which would get me, "Have you prayed about that?  Are you sure it's the right thing to do?" 

I sound like I'm complaining.  I'm not.  My parents have settled much more in their golden years.  They're very happy for me now and have commented several times on how happy I look and how wonderful it is.

I've been thinking a lot lately... about how things happen in life.  Nothing ever happens at the right time.  Nothing ever happens without complication.  Sometimes the technicalities are not what you would have wished for, but what they lead to is everything you've ever dreamed of... it's not easy.  It's not easy, but it's right.  It's more than right.  Nothing ever happens in perfect order.  Life just isn't that way.  And when you start out with a life that's sort of tattered at the seams, it's just not going to always fit smoothly.  But it does fit. 

It does fit. :)

The thing about being offline for a while... I didn't miss it at all at first because I was soooo busy!  But then I did start to miss it all... the endless information at my fingertips... the daily dirty joke Amy sends me... and all the writings from all the great people here at Mo'Time.  Even the ones I think are complete loons and should be locked away forever. 

The thing is, I have so much to write.  Well it's all in my head, but right now it's jumbled and I can't think of a single complete sentence to get me started.  Maybe I shouldn't even talk about where I've been or what/who I've been doing.  Maybe I should just start from here and pretend like I haven't missed a day of posts... we could probably catch up just as quickly that way. 

I will tell you this... I'm never moving again!!  And I mean that in good and bad ways.  Moving is hell even if it is into your dream home. :)

Missed you guys.  :) 

~Later~