Slinky songs with lots of music... horns...  That's feel good music.  Before you know it, your hips are swaying, you're humming... 

That's what I'm doing now.. Susan Tedeschi, Joe Cocker, Jet, Ben Harper...  you just gotta dance sometimes.  :)

I have MusicMan to thank for introducing me to soooo many artists I never knew.  I love music.  And ya just can't help but love the kinds that makes you smile.

~Put on something that makes you feel good... and dance~

I can't stand conceited, self-righteous hypocritical, lazy, "oh the world owes me something just because I've graced it with my presence" people.  And I seem to have more than my fair share of them in my life these days.  I can't help but wonder what I did in my previous life to deserve this stuff.

Ok, everybody gets down sometimes.  I don't care who you are or what you do, there is going to come a time when you need someone... some help.  It's just meant to be that way.  And the moment you think you don't, that's when the fates will bring you to your knees and show you that you do. 

I find it hard to believe there are still people in the world who are convinced they do no wrong, everyone else is at fault.

And I can't stand being talked down to by someone... anyone.  It loses its sting when you think you're dumbing yourself down to be on my level when your eyes never actually make it up to mine, anyway!

Most of the time I can just laugh about it and go on.  People don't realize when they pretend to be more than they are it just makes them look stupid.  But there are times, I admit, when I'm weak, and I let it get to me.  I'm human, too, after all.

All I know is I'd love to be a psychologist for six months... get a couple of'em in therapy... fuck'em up real good.

~ Yeah... I'm in a bad mood... maybe I'll blame you for it.~

"...I'm not a concept.  Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind.  Don't assign me yours."

~"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"~

(can you tell I really loved this movie?)

I'm trying very hard to think of quotes from some of my favorite stories... without looking at them.  And then it made me wonder if I might share favorite stories with anyone.  So far... the ones I remember the most, are such girly-girl books... *lol*  But geez... those are the ones I read a million times... and the best!  (which would be why I can quote them)

(It may be essential to get me a life faster than I originally planned)

Quote #2: (Two different novels... same author)

 "Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others."

"Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance."

"You said I killed you - haunt me, then!  The murdered do haunt their murderers, I believe.  I know that ghosts have wandered on earth.  Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad!  Only do not leave me in this abyss where I cannot find you!"

Come on... someone tell me what it's from... and no looking it up, either!  Either ya know it or ya don't!  ;)

Sometimes things go right in my pretty blue world....

I've been told I have to share this story with you... the story of my day today!

Now, if you haven't read my posts about the new training and transitioning going on with my job, I'm going to spare the people who have by just saying that I'm in the middle of some horrible training... seminars, classes, lectures... my hell here on earth.  Especially since I'm fighting against this new area of my job with everything I have.

Hour upon hour of the same trainer's monotone has all but driven me to jump off the roof.  And it doesn't help that most of the people in the room with me are people that have always gotten on my nerves BEFORE sticking us all in the same space for eight hours a day.

I've mentioned assboy... you know him.  Now, today my story is about Heather.  Heather is just as her name implies... the tall blonde barbie of the office.  If she wasn't a Baywatch beauty she surely would not have this job because the woman doesn't have the sense God gave a goose.  She's just soooo prissy and soooo helpless and soooo... freaking irritating.  She's very conceited... looks down her nose at every woman under 5'8" or a 38D.  I wouldn't be so nasty toward her if she didn't do things like tell me how cute I am.  *cute*

ANYWAY... on with my story...  At the beginning of the lectures, along with a 500 page binder (I have to know cover to cover in three weeks) the company was nice enough to provide us with notepads and pens.  These pens are the kind of pens that are pointed on both ends.  You can't write with both ends.  One of them is just a soft rubbery point.  If you haven't seen some like them before, just use your imagination here.

Today, we're in the middle of the longest powerpoint presentation I've ever had to sit through... and I glanced over in Heather's direction at some point to see her running the rubber tip over her lips... making circles around her mouth.  Ahhh... she was as bored as me!  But I'm sure she thought she was looking seductive or something.  Maybe she was... I don't know.  I turned back to fantasizing about having sex on the table.

Boring boy calls for a break!  Oh happy day!  I can pee... After that we sit back down to slide 10,001.  Again, at some point, I look over to Heather's side of the table.  She has picked her pen up and is back to running the tip over her mouth.  Whoa!!  Look again!!  It's the WRONG END!  She has managed to color from the top of her lip all the way up to her nose... BLUE!!... all the way around  her mouth!!!

And we can't point it out!!!  There's no way anyone is brave enough to interrupt the presentation.  Hell... who am I kidding... I wouldn't have told her if I could have told her.  As soon as the lights come on, the guy sitting next to me whisper screams, "HEATHER!  You've colored your mouth blue!"

By this point, I'm laughing so hard I'm about to fall out of my chair, she's running at a gallop to get to the bathroom... the world is coming down around me, and I'm laughing too hard to notice.  But not too hard to get up and go to the bathroom to watch her have her breakdown.  I laughed while I peed... flushed... washed my hands... it felt good, too.  It didn't really matter that it was cheap ink that washed right off.  She was late for the next set of slides because she had to take the time to redo her makeup.

I know... I shouldn't have laughed.  Karma will bite you on the ass every time.

~I'm sure I'm next for laughing~

When she was young and still in school she joined the Math club and became vice president because her daddy was good at Math, and every little girl wants to make her daddy happy.

She learned to sing and strived to hit every note perfectly because  her mother could sing like a nightingale, and every little girl wants be just like her mother.

She learned to sew because her grandmother could sew, and every little girl wants to be grandma's favorite.

When she was older she learned to work on the farm because her grandfather worked the horses, and she had to have her grandfather proud.

She wore the clothes she wore because her friends like them, and every girl wants to fit in.

She became a cheerleader because guys liked cheerleaders, and every girl wants a guy to like her.

She was an honor student because her teachers wanted honor students, and every girl wants the role models in her life to think highly of her.

Into adulthood, she went into nursing school because her parents thought she'd make a good nurse, and every young woman wants her parents' approval.

She married a man and became the perfect trophy wife because every woman wants to make her husband happy.

She became a mother and could no longer think of anything but the happiness of her child because every mother wants to be make their children happy.

Then... one day she looked into a mirror and realized she didn't know the woman staring back at her.  She didn't recognize the smile, the tear, her eyes.  A stranger she wanted to get to know no matter how long it took.  The haze lifting... things becoming brilliantly clear.

~Rather like waking up from someone else's dream~

I've been reading blogs lately that have made many references to reality, and some of them, most of them actually, have commented that this isn't real.  This arena... the internet.

But what if it is?  I mean... ok, so we only share bits and pieces of ourselves here.  But we're sharing, and I know that many of us have shared more here than we share with the people we sleep next to at night.  Or maybe it isn't reality, the people we are here, but maybe it's who we want to be in reality.

If our blogs are personal, we really have no choice but to share from the inside out because... I know for me... I don't give a rat's arse what any of you look like... I love you for your minds.  (it feels really good to say that and mean it!)

Does knowing those little bits of each other we're choosing not to discuss really make the decision whether or not this is real?  Am I really just an illusion because I've shared my broken heart with you but not my obsession with shaving my legs?  Am I real only if you know that I can't go more than twenty-four hours without shaving my legs because I feel dirty if I do?  Both things are part of who I am... I'm thinking I'm real no matter...

I think some of us can't admit this is real because we feel guilty we spend more time here or we share more here than we do in our lives outside of this place.  And that's something each of us should look at individually.   Should we feel guilty about that, though?  I don't think anyone should regret finding a place they can open up and feel at home.  We feel guilty about enough in life.  Trust me, I know all about guilt.  I was raised by a southern baptist deacon... there's nothing I haven't felt guilty about at some point in my life.

Shouldn't there come a time when we don't beat up ourselves over every little thing?  Shouldn't we just be happy with the good things, work on the bad things, hold on to what we want to embrace, and let go of the things we want to be rid of...  WHY is that soooo hard?

I feel guilty for being such a failure when things aren't going right in my life, and I feel guilty for being happy when so many others are miserable.  What on earth makes me like that??  Do NOT suggest drugs here...  I'm naturally high... don't need'em.

I think I just needed to say "Hey!  I'm real!"  That's all...

~I'd let you pinch me to find out... but human contact is out of the question for me right now... that whole table fantasy thing... I'd jump outta my skin~

There was a wedding today... 

The day is finally here.

There's flowers everywhere.

The guests are waiting with sweet anticipation.

As I look down the aisle,

The preacher stops and smiles.

Church bells are ringing and the organ is playing.

I'm so overcome that I could cry....

Oh happy day...

I'm not the bride!!

A few days ago I was talking with Dave.  (I still call him David, but I'll use Dave so you all know him by his blog.)  We were catching up because we don't get the chance to talk as often as we'd like.  I remember being utterly exhausted... maybe whining about suddenly feeling the need to be a kept woman... too tired to work... something like that.  And he mentioned, "So,  you're gonna be a weekend blogger now?"

Absolutely not!!  I have entirely too much to complain about to only blog on the weekend.  I'm just sooo tired.  Kissing ass for a living isn't as easy as it sounds.  Never mind that I'm spending the biggest part of my days imagining acts of a sexual nature on that huge table... NOT the paperwork in front of me.  I think I might be frustrated.

The embarrassing thing today was that it must have shown on my face because I was tranced one minute and when I came back to reality, there was assboy sitting across the table with a big ole smile on his face staring right at me.

Guess it's time to tell you about him.  But before I do... let me reassure you that you need not let your minds wonder to any sort of fairytale attraction or anything of the sort.  It's not there... it's never going to happen.  Having said that.... on with my story.

Years ago, before leaving here, I worked with a man that is the walking, talking, breathing stereotype that we place upon men we think are sexist jerks.  He thinks women are objects.  Now, mind you, he thinks they're precious objects... but he still sees us as sweet little playthings put on this earth to please a man and to allow them to shelter us and protect us... think for us, etc.

He decided way back then that he liked my ass, and he made no attempt to hide that.  But he always stopped just short of being offensive with it.  And the thing is, this guy is extremely intelligent... witty... could be charming if he thought with something other than his kickstand.

And he KNOWS the kind of person I am.  He knows I'm not shy and demure... never been a wallflower.  It's a small town.  Everyone knows that.  So it didn't take him very long to figure out which buttons to push and just how to push them.  Drove me crazy...

Longer story, short.... (and it is a much longer story because assboy is ALWAYS around somewhere) when I came back here, I've ended up working with him again.  And he's still the same infuriating little snot that he always was.  So when he's around, I try to be the picture of professionalism, as much of a frigid bitch as I can pull off..... sooooo... on days like today when he obviously catches me with my guard down, he gets such a thrill out of it that it makes me pray for the earth to swallow me then and there.

Ok, so he caught me daydreaming.  He has no idea what I was thinking... who I was thinking about.  (It wasn't him)  If he knew the activities taking place on the table in my head, he'd be the one blushing, and I bet tomorrow he wouldn't walk in and plop his prissy little ass down in his chair and slam his laptop down on that table like he owns it.

~He'd know there are much better uses for that table~ 

I should be doing about a million things besides sitting here at my computer.  This has been such a frustrating week.  I feel guilty for being so frustrated and edgy.  It's not like I've gone through anything even remotely as catastrophic as other people.  I wasn't caught up in a terrorist attack, and I've never lost a loved one in one.  My heart breaks when I think about what that must be like.  I'm not in danger of losing everything I've worked hard for... possibly my life in a hurricane barreling down on me this weekend.

And  yet here I sit so uptight and spazed that I can't focus on a single thing.  I can't concentrate.  I have no focus and no drive to do anything.  I feel like the small bits of sanity I have left are escaping... oozing from my pores... free in the wind.

The Windows laptop finally died this week.  I knew it was going to go, and yet I still had things on it that I hadn't backed up.  My own fault for procrastinating.  So now I'm stuck with this desktop that suddenly doesn't want to work properly, and a really nice ibook that I can't get time to learn how to use properly.  More complications...

I'm sad because I interviewed for a really dreamy job this past week and haven't heard anything.  It's caused me to doubt myself which has made me all whiney and pathetic.  I hate allowing myself to wallow, but sometimes I just can't seem to help it.

I'm frustrated because having not heard from that job means I have to start the hideous training on Monday I've been dreading at my current job.  This transition has basically ruined this job for me, and I'd rather be employed anywhere else.  But a job is a job, and a girl's gotta eat.  It's not bad enough I hate the new position, but the red tape has made my life miserable, and now they're even calling me on Saturdays to do the work I hate.  The next three weeks of transition is going to consume me as it is... at least give me my last weekend!

It seems the past I've been trying to move away from  has decided to start chasing me this week, and that's getting to me.  When you say goodbye, it should mean "goodbye".  Or maybe that's just me.  He never had trouble leaving me lonely before... why would he want to be stuck up my butt now?  Doesn't matter, anyway... too late.

I have to snap out of this.  This is happening entirely too often these days.  This isn't me.  I don't want it to become who I am.  I will not end up a frigid old lady with a bunch of cats.  I just won't... no way.

~Here kitty kitty~

Know what I've noticed about today already?  People are either patriotic to weird scary extremes or they're afraid to be patriotic at all.

Know what I think?  It's our Independence Day... every country should get one.:)  We're not bad people, really we aren't.  We're good people.  We just don't always have the best of us in charge.

I'm going out to BBQs and parades and fireworks, and I'm celebrating.  I'll say a prayer for the soldiers abroad today, I'll pay my respects to the land that I love.  I pray that someday our blunders will turn out to be something positive... that maybe one more country will have an Independence Day in spite of the mistakes along the way.

But even more than that... this is MY Independence Day.  I'm celebrating the freedom to be able to fall on my face almost daily and get up, dust off, and go again.  I'm celebrating the beginning of a new life filled with my own choices and my own possibilities.

So wave your flags, hide them under your shirts... makes no difference to me.  I just wanted to say happy 4th of July.  And if you're blogging Motime from another country... heck, celebrate a day of freedom for yourself, too.

I'll even be dressing patriotic today...

~Cause red looks damn good on me~

"hmmm... come on... buzz me up to heaven, baby...

I've been missing you.  I should be kissing you.

Honey to the bee... that's you for me.

I close my eyes and I see you clear.

Feels like you're lying here.

All the things we wanta say come and go.

Easy as a breeze, those words just flow.

I float on air light as a feather.

Your love so sweet... like an open flower.

I'm dizzy from the time we spent together.

I need that honey drip every hour.

I'm thinking about your sugar lips.

Got a feeling for you know that's so strong.

I'm dreaming of the candy in your fingertips.

Baby, don't stay away from me too long.

I've been missing you

I should be kissing you

Honey to the bee... tha's you for me.

You make me smile  though you're far away.

I hear your voice like it was yesterday.

All the things you do, they make me feel so fine.

I gotta tell the world about a love that's mine.

These wings to fly  are gonna last forever

cause one by one my dreams come true.

I touch the sky whenever we're together.

I can't believe the joy I get with you.

I'm thinking about your sugar lips.

Got a feeling for you now that's so strong.

I'm dreaming of the candy in your fingertips.

Baby, don't stay away from me too long.

I've been missing you

I should be kissing you

Honey to the bee... that's you for me..."

~Billie Piper~