You absolutely have to love when normal household gadgets can make you feel stupid... that's all I'm saying about that.

And my computer.  Let's just say I'm not the most technically inclined person on earth.  I'm not the most electronically ignorant among us, but that's not saying a whole lot when I look around me these days.

It feels like Monday.  Maybe because I've spent so many days doing none of my normal routine.  Then the hoiday came so  here I am, feeling like Monday.  It's going to be hot and complicated today.  I can tell. 

I stepped on Tinkerbell this  morning and thought I'd killed her.  It wasn't my fault.  The little bugger kept sinking her teeth into my sock... even while I was walking!  I kept shaking her off and trying to go about my morning.  She kept coming.  At one point, I shook, she bit, I tripped, and stepped on her stupid little head.  And you know what the dumb thing did...  she came right back again.  Not the brightest puppy, but I love her.

I'm home today and agreed to babysit a ten month old for a family member in a pinch.  I knew it would be a challenge but considering my Bella is a toddler, I figured it would be alright since my house is already basically childproof, etc.  First thing she did was bump her head on the coffee table.  It didn't leave a mark, thank the heavens.  I was worried Tinkerbell might be too rough with her because the puppy is so used to Bella's abuse.  I could not have been more wrong.   The baby decided Tink is her very own football.  And guess what... the dumb little thing keeps going back.  Not the brightest puppy....

Tink reminds me alot of myself...

Cute but not all there upstairs~

He's gone.  It went better than I expected.  Not quite as dramatic as I feared, and that's good.  It was more emotional than I thought it would be.  Everything hit me harder than I had imagined it would.  Not sure why it surprised me that it would be an emotional week for me.  I cry during Disney movies.

I took a few days after he left and basically locked myself away from the world and everything in it.  I needed time to think, mourn... I'm not really sure what I should call it.  And while I've now emerged not even close to be refreshed... basically I'm exhausted... I do feel a bit more calm.  Almost like I've been holding my breath for eight months and have now finally been allowed to exhale.  So while I'm drained, I do feel so much better. 

I've taken a mental inventory of my life, and now I'm more aware of where I am and where I need to be... (not that it will make much of a difference at this point).  I've been close enough to insanity to know not to make any major decisions right now.  My emotions would come into play entirely too much.  So I'm going to ride the wind for a bit... just let life happen and see where it takes me.  Get up every morning just like always, have my cup of coffee, tie my heart to a red balloon, and see where we go.

~If I'm lucky the breeze will carry me to a beach or something.  I need a vacation.~

He'll be here this weekend.  I wish this was over.  I'm not sure how much longer I can stay sane while being forced to deal with all this regret and guilt.  I don't even know why I'm feeling it all.  I know that when something like a marriage falls apart, you feel like a failure no matter how hard you try.  I'll always wonder if I tried hard enough.

I'm not even sure what's left to discuss.  Maybe it's just closure.  I can understand if that's what it is.  We can't talk on the phone for more than ten minutes without it errupting into a huge fight, so I'm not sure what he thinks coming a thousand miles will do.  It can't be to get the experience of the face to face blowup again, can it?  That was horrible enough when we went through it before.

I did love him.  At least I loved the man I married.  I'm not sure where he went.  I'd love to blame the war.  I'd love to say that being over there changed him and it was something we couldn't come back from... at least then it would make sense, and I'd have something solid to blame besides the two adults that couldn't make it work.  But the truth is, it was over before he left.  It was over, but I couldn't say it.  I couldn't send him away like that.  So I stayed.  Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did.  I didn't want him to feel alone over there even though I'm sure he did anyway.

So now we're down to this.  I couldn't stay, no matter how much I wanted to support him, I couldn't handle the yelling, the anger, the "the world owes me something just because I've graced it with my presence" attitude... the cheating.

So we're down to this.  I'm here.  He's there.  He's coming here.  At first I didn't want him to come here.  But now I know it's never going to end if we don't face it, deal with it, then let it go. 

I can't move on holding on to the pain of the past.  I can't keep coming back to the point in my life where I feel like such a failure.  There has to be a day somewhere down the line when I'll feel good again.  I can't be afraid to breathe for the rest of my life.  It always gets worse before it gets better, right?

~If all else fails, I'll be ready for a really hot rebound affair, huh~

"I won't be your winter

I won't be anyone's excuse to cry

We can be forgiven

I will be here"

The whole world is going to hell in a handbasket.  Everybody is on meltdown.  I'm totally convinced we're all trapped in some kind of "duh" moment, and we're never getting out of it again.  You can walk up to anyone, ask any question, and all you're getting back is that blank, nobody's home stare.  Look closely and you're likely to see drool forming at the side of their mouths.

This is seriously irritating me.  It can't just be me.  I admit that sometimes I have a really weird sense of humor.  I'm not at all offended when someone doesn't "get me".  But in common everyday life, people shouldn't be looking at me like I'm speaking a different language.  I would blame myself except I've seen other people going through the same thing.

I was in a store in a mall this weekend, and a lady in the line in front of me was returning some sort of two piece outfit.  She was trying to explain to the man working (why there was a man working in a female clothing department, I'll never know) that she was returning the outfit because it was two different sizes.  She hadn't checked to see if both pieces were the same size before buying it, and the skirt ended up being a different size.  Simple enough, right?  SO WRONG.  Einstein behind the counter just couldn't grasp that.  He thought she was saying that she needed to buy it in two different sizes, so he kept insisting that the store would not do that... they would not split an outfit to mix and match sizes.  DUH!  They apparently had before this moment.  Someone tricked them into doing it!  She reworded it only about twenty times, and he still couldn't get it.  Finally she just asked for her money back... forget the outfit.  I would have done that fifteen minutes before her...  I guess that was her "duh" moment.

I was in another store when I heard a lady arguing about a sign outside that advertised a pre-order being available on a book about to be released.  Obviously she'd misread the sign, but would she admit to that?  NO WAY!  She thought it meant that pre-ordered copies of the book were available.  The clerk wanted to choke her.  I could tell.

I haven't pulled in to buy gas in days without pulling out wishing I'd decked some specific person who'd gone stupid.  I can't tell you how many times I've pulled in and had some guy looking from me to my car...  looking directly at the liscense plate... and then a "duh, I'm stupid smile" before the oh so brilliant question, "You from Texas?"  This weekend, I merely smiled back with the reply, "No, Nevada.  You?"  I left him standing there with an "Elvis has left the building" look.

I could name a dozen more instances, but I won't.  I'm just wondering if we've all gone stupid, or if we're just so busy and detached that we just don't hear each other anymore.  Is our common sense disappearing, or has our minds been permanently numbed to the outside world?

Things like this is what happens when I spend the weekend outside away from the lapdog and the crochet, people.  See what you did?!  It's going to take weeks to recover... therapy is an option I haven't ruled out.  Good thing my insurance will cover it.  Otherwise I'd be sending the bill to Schmuck and IML.  ;)

~And to think I have to go back out there now... today.  I'm afraid.  Hold me~

I finally did it.  I started the crochet blog.  Now, I know this doesn't sound like a big deal to most people.  Every single comment I've gotten from you guys about it is... "So... you think there's really alot to say about crocheting?"  Which, I translate to mean... "How boring can you be, woman!?"

But that's ok because you just don't know!  When I was taught to do it, you sort of hid it from people that you COULD do it until you were somewhere around 60 or so.  Now it's the latest trend, and anyone that can crochet or knit their own clothing is considered to be "...just the cutest thing!".

The blog looks horrible.  I just don't have the patience to make it pretty right now.  It's sad because Bachelor Boy whips out the little title graphics for me whenever I ask him to... most web design people would just laugh at ya... or say "... for a price".  I'm very thankful to him for it all.  Ten years ago, I could have HTMLed circles around him.  I knew web design and graphic design in my sleep.  Today, let's just say I'm lucky mo'time uses buttons to do everything for me.

Hey... at least I'm doing something to occupy my mind.  I get into trouble when I let it wander. 

Trust me on this.... we really do NOT want my mind to wander~

Meet Tinkerbell.  She's the newest addition to my life.  I got her yesterday.  She's a 4 week old Pom puppy, and she's the sweetest thing.

I know this isn't a very good pic of her, but it was just too cute.  I was on the cellphone, and the home phone rang.  When I turned back around to grab the cell, she'd crawled to it like that.  I knew immediately that she fits in perfectly!

I'm not going to bore people with endless stories about my pets, but I will probably post pics every once in a while as she grows... maybe even some of the horse someday, too.

Not too much to say about her anyway.  She's like a human baby.  She eats, sleeps, pees, and poops.  Other than the wakeup cry at 5:30am.  I know I shouldn't have, but I put her in the bed with me for a few minutes.  She spent the entire time biting my ear.  That was the most affection I've had in ages. 

~Geez, that's just sad~

I've had trouble focusing lately.  Accomplishing anything that requires more thought than what color to paint my toenails has me close to a breakdown.  And that little task took me twenty minutes.  That's a long time for me.  I'm a girl, yes... maybe even a girlie girl.  But I'm not THAT bad.  (I really would have tried to beat up the redneck lady in the RV that day... break a nail or not)

I've been spending too much time fantasizing about what I think my life should be.  Then I have to do a "duh" and realize it's supposed to be just exactly what it is.  I'm not sure how far I go with the whole fate/destiny thing, but let's face it, you're supposed to be just exactly where you are right at this moment.  If you're not, you'll get up and move.  Then that's where you're supposed to be right at that moment.  How else can you really look at it all?!?

Every single thing we go through leaves us with something to take along to the next destination.  We can embrace what we're taught, or we can rage against it. 

For instance, I refuse to believe all men strain to fart and then say "Excuse me, that slipped out."  I've just never been able to grasp that.  Ya practically lift your leg and rupture something pushing it out, and then you act like it just sneaked right up on ya.  (uh huh)  Maybe I should just be happy he always said "excuse me".

Then again, I will embrace the many lessons I've learned about myself and being under the influence of tequila.  It only takes one time to open your eyes and realize some strange man is doing jello shots off your stomach before you think..."Whoa!  Maybe this isn't good for me with or without the worm."

I embrace the knowledge that no matter how goodlooking you are... no matter how perfectly shaped your arse is in a good pair of jeans, I will not, under any circumstances, ever eat vegemite again... not even for that unbelievably sexy accent.  (unless I'm doing tequila shots)

I will forever rage against the knowledge that no matter if I have clothing customed to fit me perfectly, if I don't try it on before I leave the store, it's not going to fit when I get it home.  I don't care that I KNOW this... I will still never have time to try it on, and I will still curse when I get it home and it doesn't fit.  Even though... I'm sure if I'd tried it on in the store, it would have been perfect.

I guess I just need to figure out everything from the past year and decide what I'm going to refuse and what I'm going to embrace.  Maybe I should just go ahead and get started now.

~ Rage against the knowledge every well-dressed man has a wife at home picking out his clothing~

~Embrace the knowledge that when you're not getting any, EVERYone else surely is~

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

At the feast of ego, everybody leaves hungry.

Make love, not war.  Hell, do both.  Get married.

Woman's rule of thumb:  If it has tires or testicles, you're gonna have trouble with it.

In a world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, sexism, stupid guys, and PMS, why the hell do people tell me to have a nice day?

When on the ladder of success, don't let guys look up your dress.

Never take life too seriously.  Nobody gets out alive.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

They keep saying the right man will come along.  I'm thinking mine got hit by a truck.

Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.

If I seem to give a damn, please tell me.  I'd hate to give the wrong impression.

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

I'd have more to write about here if I ever had the chance to stop and breathe.  Everything seems to be in immediate need of my attention these days, and I feel like I'm never slowing down.  Yet nothing is ever being accomplished.  It's driving me crazy.

I've had a very sarcastic attitude lately.  Southern sarcasm can sting quite a bit, too.  I'm trying to bring myself into a better light.  I think it's beginning to work, but it's hard not to feel resentful and completely worn out from it all.  I sound like a child.  Everyone seems so needy.  When is it my turn?  Totally childish.

He asked if we could still be friends... HOW do you "still be friends"?  If something so horrible has happened to make you break the vow of marriage, how do you pull a friendship from the rubble?  Maybe I'm more bitter than I realized, but I just don't see that as being possible.... although, clearly, we were always better friends than we were ever a couple.  Yet, I believe while I can be adult enough to be "friendly", I'll never be able to consider us "friends".

Always so much drama.

I'm trying to remember to take my time, slow down, breathe.  Sometimes I get to the end of the day and realize I've forgotten to eat a single thing all day.  Sometimes I look up and it's suddenly 2am, and I'm still going like it's only 8pm.  Sometimes I forget something as soon as it enters my mind.  One day last week I took two showers within a couple hours of each other because I forgot I took the first one.  Yesterday I hit my turn signal to pull in for gas... I was that close to the station... yet I forgot to turn in and just kept right on going.  Sometimes it feels like I forget to breathe.  I picked up a habit when I was a teen that I still do...  when things overload, I'll stop right where I am, no matter, wrap my hair around my fingers... breathe in for six... hold for four... out for six.  Amazing what remembering to breathe will do when you realize you've been holding it.

I don't think it's just me.  I think you're all running around with this deep sense of urgency... but no one is quite sure why... I don't know why I feel like I'm running out of time and everything has to be done NOW.  Are the walls really closing in... am I really so desperate to make everything happen now?  Do I have the strength to see all this through to the end?  Where is the end, anyway?  What will I have when I get there?

~ Long as I remember to breathe~

"Cause you can't jump the track

We're like cars on a cable

and life's like an hourglass

glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, girl

So cradle your head in your hands

and breathe... just breathe."

(IML, if you don't know Anna Nalick, check her out)

"Got your bag on your shoulder

Never thought once about thinking it over.

Feel like you're the only one one

who's ever been in a bad situation.

Now you need to take yourself a love vacation.

'Cause after all, what's done is done.

He made a promise he couldn't keep.

I bet he's not losing a bit of sleep

over how you're getting down the line.

Now don't you fret, now don't you worry.

Don't get in too much of a hurry.

'Cause up ahead's that city limit sign.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Everything around you is growing old.

The days drag on, the nights last forever

Every day's tougher just to keep it together.

Forget everything you've ever known

except for home.

Home is where the heart is.

That's what somebody once said.

I think your heart is where your love is.

The rest baby, the rest is all in your head.

Memories, they're over-rated.

All they do is get you down and frustrated,

and who needs that on their back?

Starting over, cold turkey...

Washing your soul of everything that's dirty.

Seal your heart of every crack.

You're no longer sick and tired.

Everything around you feels brand new.

The days fly by, the nights could be longer.

Every day you're just a little bit stronger

now that you've spread your wings and flown

Back to home."